Sunday, December 19, 2010

~My Brother ~

“My brother”
Can you hear me, does my voice travel to your side
I just want you to know, that today, I did fall down and cry
I heard their words, so kind, so giving, yet I was left with no voice
I know inside I don’t understand, for I have to accept your choice
Can you hear me, my brother; today I felt your presences
You were right by my side; could you hear all my questions?
I fell to my knees as I lift the remaining of this dirt
When will all this pain fade, when will I no longer hurt?
I can still hear your voice; it lingers deep in me my brother
Today is the making of a new day as I watch all the others
Tears strolling down wet cheeks, they are all in pain for you
You never saw your meaning, you never felt the truth
Can you hear me my brother, as I toss the remaining of the dirt
I will never forget you, for I will forever remain in this hurt
Today is the day that I will always show them your truth
For today is the day my brother, the day that I buried you

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Thursday, December 9, 2010

~If You should by chance ~

“If you should by chance”

If you should by chance
Trace me in your

Color me in thee

If you should by chance
Hear my voice
In the wind

Color it in thee
Pale tan

If you should by chance
Get wet by thee
Winds that carry rain

Color me in thee
Of traced lines

If you should by chance
Wonder where
I am

Open up
Your pale tan palms
My wet beating
With you

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Saturday, December 4, 2010

~The Letter~

“The letter”

If you wanted to hurt me today then you got what you wanted. If not showing of your self was punishment, than I felt the lasses of the whip upon my skin. With each cut of the whip I felt deeply and the scars remain fresh. They are a constant reminder for me that I will never be all you want me to be.

I don’t know what you want anymore, for I don’t think inside you really know what you want. Yet I know you reach out to me then push me away time and time again. I, being the fool that I am, always come back hoping this time it will be different.

It’s not different, for it will never be different, will it? I will always be the bad one, the one that hurts you, and the one that you blame for your pain.

I must have read that letter a hundred times that you wrote about me and you read it out openly to everyone, everyone heard your pain, felt your tears, and their heart broke for you. For if I didn’t know any better than I do, my heart would break for you also. If I hadn’t known those words were about me then I would have been crying for you.

You packaged those words up like a Christmas gift under a tree, wrapped perfectly with a matching bow and you placed them in my hand. A gift to me with all the eyes of the world can see that it is me those words belong to. I lied to you when I said those words wouldn’t hurt me, for it did. Yet that’s what I do, I lie when I know things are going to hurt so deeply inside. I let people believe that I am stronger then I am, for I don’t want to be the weak one when others are around. I’m a soldier in body yet a child in blood.

I read each word and I logically tear them apart piece by piece and I hold each one under a magnified glass and study them, I desperately want to understand you and all that makes you, just you. Yet I still after studying these words you placed in front of me, I still can’t understand any of this.

How did we get here after all these years? How can I correct what you think is wrong when in my mind I do believe I have done right by you.

I am not a page in your letter, nor am I a chapter in a book, for I am the whole book, you just can’t skip lines or chapters and expect to understand the meaning behind the hard covers. You judge me on the surface of what you see and then expect me not to react to your actions.

I am a person just like you, I hurt, I feel, I am no different than everyone else. Yet you give everyone around you more of yourself then you give me. You expect me to always reach farther, deeper into you and always have the answers ready for you when you need them. I can’t handle this pressure anymore, for me myself am always in search of understanding and meaning also.

You know so little of me for I have always been silent about what goes on inside of my head. I always fear saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing and waiting for you to always say you’re leaving. You leave so often and always leave me with the mess behind to clean up.

How many times have you slammed that door on me, for I have lost count? How many times you said that you hate me, for those words still echo in the silence after the door slams closed? Those words drown me for they have been said to me so many times from you.

How many times is too many times for me to stay here and allow myself to be drowned by you and your pain?  For I need air too! I need to be looked at and understood also. I need to be told of what’s good in my heart and not just my faults of all my wrong doings.

Yet that’s all you see, is my faults. You hang on to them and record them with dates and times. You want to be able to hang onto them for dear life and use them at your convenience when you feel the need to attack me, I will never be released of all this.

I will never be released by you and your pain.

I am just human, I cannot be packaged, I am not your words and you are not my Judge ……

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Thursday, December 2, 2010

~A Gift to You ~

“A gift to you”

You are shattered and broken
You fall down and cry
You always question
As your screaming out why

I give to you my friend
My hands to help you stand tall
Can you feel my strength
You are no longer alone

You tremble with pain
Your anger soars
You deny everyone around you
For you hurt to the core

I give to you my friend
My shoulders to bear it all
You are no longer alone
I am for you that strong

For this pain you carry
Makes you want to run and hide
You think no one understands
All this pain you keep inside

I give to you my friend
My warm embrace
You are no longer alone
Together now it can be faced

You tremble with tears
You feel so alone
Your heart is in so much pain
You no longer can see anyone

I give to you my friend
My eyes to see it through
You are no longer alone
For I have always been standing next to you

You want to give up
You just want to throw it all in
You can’t see any way out
You think your pain is going to win

I give to you my friend
My heart it’s a gift to you
For you are no longer alone
For now my heart beats for two

I stand next to you
While you’re still on your knees
I place this gift in front of you
This gift will always be me

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Saturday, November 27, 2010

"Life iS Born"

“Life is born”

As thee humbling rain falls
A seed planted its roots
A flower emerges towards surface
The sun graced its bloom
Heavenly colors, life is born

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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

~The Holidays~

The holidays, it’s the time of the year when you turn on the TV and you see Christmas stories of love and such sweetness. Yet in truth it is nothing like that in reality, it’s more on the lines of screaming, yelling, complaining, beer drinking and all sorts of bad language.

My story starts about a week before Christmas when I start my Christmas cleaning of tearing the house apart and trying to make it into what I think a house should look like, but never does. I become this mad woman on a hunt for perfection, a woman on a mission to complete what I never complete and I kill myself trying and I kill those around me in the process.

“Don’t walk on that floor because I just scrubbed it”

“Don’t sit on that couch because I just vacuumed it”

To live with me during this process is impossible, you are just better off not to come home for a week, because I will never notice your gone and it will just make my life a lot easier.

During my “madness” time of cleaning and bitching at those (mostly Tommy) not to touch a fucking thing or I will kill them, the pellet stove decided to take a day off. Not just any day off, but it had to be during the coldest day of high winds and freezing tempts. Of course I didn’t notice at the beginning that it was taking a day off because I am mad crazy cleaning. I’m running around doing this and that and hadn’t quite notice that the temperature in the house is dropping rather quickly.

By afternoon I can feel my fingers starting to hurt and I realize then the beginning of a very long problem. I go to the pellet stove and nothing, no fire, no smoke, no life to it at all.


I start it up and puff, it goes out.


It becomes a game between me and the pellet stove for hours as I watch the temperatures drop and I can’t figure out why it won’t stay lit. tom is nowhere to be found(figures) and I’m becoming quite irritated  with the fact that this has stopped my cleaning and I am getting nothing done and I’m becoming rather cold and frosty myself.

The house is in the 60’s and well I give up on the pellet stove and I just throw on more clothes and I go back to cleaning.

By evening time the house is now in the 50’s and my toes are now hurting and my fingers are in a lot of pain from being so cold for too long of a time and tom has yet come home (grrrr)

When did he start listening to me?

I give up on cleaning and I throw on blankets around me for extra warmth and now I want pepper to lie on top of me, he refuses. (Of course, it’s because I want him to but all other times he has no problem in suffocating me with his weight, damn dog.)

It’s midnight and tom finally gets home and it’s in the 40’s and I’m pissed but too cold to move or talk because I’m frozen on the couch, a popsicle once again, a family tradition I can see forming every winter of watching me freeze and defrost.

Fucking family sucks!

Tom enters the house and asks “why is it so cold in here?” I would have given him my dirty look but my face is frozen in this look that I had 5 hours ago before the stages of frost took over.

Tom tears apart the stove, pulls out every bolt and screws, and cleans it from top to bottom (while cursing at me on how dirty it is grrr) all the while he is showing me what it is I am suppose to do to the stove on how to clean this and that, demonstrating with his hands and the scraper on how to go about doing it.

He is walking the line of a dead man.

He puts it all back together, looking all pretty and new and he lights it.


I swear, I would have laughed at him but I’m frozen and my mind is plotting on how to kill him for telling me on how to clean.

All the while the temperature is still dropping in the house.

He is now getting pissed because he wanted to blame my lack of cleaning it properly as to the problem as why it is not working.

Ha Ha Ha idiot!

After looking at it for about an hour he decided to go outside and see if there was a problem with the outside hose.

And holy cow wouldn’t you know it, there lies the problem, the hose is clogged shut with dirt and grime and whatever else all that gross stuff was. So he cleaned it all the while, mind you, blaming me for not keeping an eye on this problem. (So I go back to plotting his death)

He puts it all back together and the fire starts roaring and heat comes from the stove. (He is saved from death for he fixed the problem)

We go to bed happy little people (if he only knew)

A few hours go by and pepper is jumping on me for it is 5am he wants to start his day.

Fuck me!

The house is still very cold, it is only in the 50’s and I grab my morning coffee and pepper and I go over to the three fish tanks that we own. (Our morning ritual)
 The fish tanks are housed in the living room right next to the pellet stove, for I own all cichlids. Three Oscars (which are 15 to 19 inches length) and I own 7 fire mouths, (which are 6 inches in length) and these are all very warm blooded fish that live in 84 temps water, they cannot handle cold water for it will kill them.

So pepper jumps up on his seat and I go and turn on all the tanks and I see one of my Oscars dead!

What the fuck!

I see all my fish acting crazy, fish on drugs it looked like, as they were swimming madly and jumping. It is not a pretty sight seeing a big fish going mad crazy, water splashing and spraying everywhere.

A fire mouth just died in front of me

My heart is just aching because I really love my fish, they are beautiful to me and I get such enjoyment out of them, So to watch them die in front of me and I haven’t a clue as to why is just killing me inside.

So I stuck my hand in the water to remove the dead fishes and the water is cold, not just cold but very cold. So I look on the temp and it reads nothing, so that means it is below 70. So the water could be anything from on the 60’s on under.

Their heaters are dead in the tank, so that must mean that it has been the pellet stove that has been keeping the water warm (I have no idea how long) and when the stove didn’t work and the house dropped in temperature, so didn’t their water drop as well.

They (the fish) are now under a lot of stress which opens them up to every parasite and they are freezing as well, so they are dying due to this and they are dying fast.

So I started removing all decorations from their tank to open it up and I broke down the other two fish tanks (one tank is for their food and the other is a hospital tank) and I put in the heaters into the main tank that housed them to start warming up the water quickly.

Another fire mouth just died

I have to start killing off the parasites before they do anymore damage to my fish (do not try this unless you know what you are doing and know where your fish naturally come from, otherwise you will burn your fish to death or possibly just kill them right away) I turn my freshwater tank into a salt water tank, the instant change of water type will kill off the parasites instantly and it will destroy the eggs as well in time once they hatch and are looking for a host.

Your fish will burn for it will burn the outer scales but they will live through it, if you do it right. (If they are strong enough to handle it, meaning the parasites haven’t done too much damage)

Another Oscar died during the process

So I’m down to my oldest Oscar (my favorite one) and I’m down to 5 fire mouths.

You cannot leave the tank a salt water tank for too long, for they are not salt water fish, but cichlids do naturally come from rivers and lakes that house some sort of salt so they can handle it for sometime without long term damage.

I let them soak in the saltwater for one hour and I slowly start the process (which takes days) to remove it and return it to freshwater.

Another fire mouth died

I start the removal of the water process and I start adding the slimy gooey stuff to repair the damage that will soon start to appear if they live through it.

I turn off their light (for darkness is soothing to them) and I walk away feeling depressed and sad, and I can feel my tears right to my surface but I fight them back.

A few days go by

Another fire mouth died, so I’m down to my favorite Oscar and 3 fire mouths left, they are barely hanging on and they have burns on them and they look like Dalmatians, what a sad moment this is for me. I’m still removing water and replacing it with slimy gooey stuff for repairing damage and their lights are still on off mode to keep them still and motionless. So I am at the point where they survived the harsh saltwater, so I can now start adding medication to prevent bacteria problems.

Christmas has arrived! Who the fuck cares for I’m so not in the Christmas mood.

Pepper jumps on top of me, it’s 5am, it’s time to get up and be cheerful, fuck! Pepper runs over to his seat near the fish tanks and I go get my coffee to start a fucking Christmas day.

Pepper is waiting for me, but I don’t return to him for I’m stuck in the kitchen stuffing a stupid ass turkey and I’m basting it as I sing Christmas sucks and I throw it in the stupid oven.

I return to pepper and I turn on my fish tank and I look at my Dalmatians for fish and I remove more water and I put in slimy gooey stuff and I put in medications and I look at my favorite Oscar and I beg him to just hang on to life and I shut the tank light off.

The house is a mess I realized and I have people coming over

Fuck me, for I forgot to finish my house cleaning and prepare for this day of pure hell.

I start racing around like the mad crazy woman that I am and I start cleaning this and that, vacuum this and that, polish this and that.

Pepper get out of my way!

Pepper no!

Pepper stop it!

Race the other 7 dogs outside, feed the 7 dogs, and give the 7 dogs their Christmas bone (anything to make them happy) get them back to their room and into bed.

Shower time for me, get dressed, put on make-up and I start blow drying my hair and here comes tom into the bathroom (just getting up)

Where are the dogs? Where is buttons? (His favorite dog)

I can feel my death plot against him start racing through my mind again, for his list of complaints and demands starts up. I am exhausted for I have been going crazy all morning and he slept through the whole thing (amazingly) and now he awakes and I have done everything and he now wants to bring the dogs into the downstairs of the house after I just finished everything and making it look good for the guest.

Is he mad crazy?

I feel my blood pressure rising and I start in on him and he backs away from me and settles into his chair in front of the computer and he is safe for the moment from me, for he is out of my hair.

Christmas sucks!

People suck!

I go back into the kitchen, I’m baking bread, cookies, I’m cooking up a storm for what feels like a million people and I’m lost in hell of Christmas cooking. I’m not to be found until hours later.

Tom’s family arrives.

Within seconds I hear pepper screaming and I jump out of my baking high and I run to my dog.

What the fuck!

Tom’s crazy aunt has hurt him already, I look at tom with this fucking pissed off look and he knows I’m fucking pissed!

He is supposed to be watching pepper (it’s his only job to do) and pepper is already hurt.

I grab my dog and I go back to the kitchen

Tom sucks!

Tom’s mother follows me into the kitchen, she is drunk already and she starts in on me.

“I’m staying out there with my son (as she points to the living room) for I didn’t get to talk to my son over thanksgiving” (yes she did, she just doesn’t remember it because she was drunk then too)

She said it so loudly it felt like an earthquake, for she is a loud drunk and she has a nasty mouth when she is drunk.
“Okay, go” I replied as I turn up the radio to drown her and the others out and I try to sing fucking Christmas music that is playing on the radio.

Christmas blows!

My son shows up and hides in the kitchen with me and where talking and I can feel my blood pressure go down a bit and I can feel maybe a glimmer of hope of the Christmas spirit enter me. So I leave the kitchen and I go to the dining area which is connected to the living area and the fish tanks lights are on, grr, I shut them off and tom’s crazy aunt starts in on me about the fish.

I ignore her, for I don’t want to talk about it and I clear the table of its linings and I try to set the stupid ass table.

Tom’s mother is shouting at me for another beer

I go back to the kitchen to get it, I come out with the beer and the fish tank light is back on grrrr I shut it off and I go and give her another beer.

The plot of death is back on but somehow I have added people to it, this brings a smile to me. I leave her and the others and I return to the kitchen, where I am stirring, mashing, dashing this and that with this and that.

My daughter is now texting me, telling me how much I suck!

Merry fucking Christmas too you to!

I leave the kitchen and I start to bring things to the table and the fucking fish tank lights are back on, what the fuck! Are they trying to kill my four Dalmatians of fish?

“I’m so sorry” I say to my Oscar and I shut the light off once again

Dinner time

Me, tom, my son, crazy lady and drunken lady all sit.

Fuck!!!! I forgot to cook their favorite vegetables!

They complained! Of course!

I couldn’t eat fast enough to get away from the table, to get away from them, to escape back into the kitchen where I could hear my wine calling out my name saying “drink me, drink me, it will all go away”

I escape

I down a glass within seconds

I can feel tingles going through out my whole body, mmmm it feels good

They found me


They all come into the kitchen and I pour myself another glass and I leave, back out into the dining area and what the fuck, the fish light is back on again.

Those mother fuckers!

I went straight back into the kitchen area to say something but I was dead stopped into my tracks for I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

Drunken lady had my son and tom cleaning the ceiling fans and lights, for she said they were dirty and she can’t stand being in a dirty house.

Merry fucking Christmas to me!!!!!

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(Holiday 2009)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Birth of Dawn

Birth of Dawn

Hidden behind thee glorified sunrise
Lies thee glisten blue stars
For the earthly scents too pass
From the birth of dawn

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Thursday, October 28, 2010



Disconnected is the color black like on a moonless night when you can’t see anything in front of you. Yet sounds are everywhere and you want to follow the noises, yet something stops you. You are prevented from moving ahead for your afraid of what lies ahead.

So you stay

Hands are reaching out, for you desperately want to feel your surroundings, yet your hands don’t move. Your arms are so heavy that you just can’t lift them and you question why.

So your mind speaks, yet your body doesn’t respond. You are disconnected from yourself. You are alone in your own body and you’re lost somewhere in there and no one can see or hear you.

I can hear the echoes of my voice bouncing off the walls of my inner self and it comes back to me and no one is in between to hear my cries of help.


For in that moment I realize I am alone and I am scared

Inside my mind I knew what I wanted to do, I wanted to find the sun and I wanted to feel its warmth once again. I wanted to run and feel a human again, to brand that feeling of human contact into my brain so I will never forget that feeling.

Yet I needed to find my way out of the darkness, I needed to make contact with my body and tell it to listen to my voice.

I was just a voice with no body

Soon I found the light and I merge into myself and I open my eyes and I was being stabbed to death with needles of pain all over and I silently cried and I fell back into the darkness and I left my body and became just a voice again.

I was alone again

Disconnected from myself and I was thankful not to feel what I just felt.

I stepped away from the light, like a child who hides into corners, pushing its self further away from a bad experience that doesn’t understand just what took place.

I went deeper into myself

Lost in the darkness

Soon my voice faded, for no one was ever going to hear me

For I didn’t want to be found

I didn’t want the light

I didn’t want to feel

Time passes and all I hear was my breathing, slowly I was giving up on myself. I was coming to accept that I was never going to be found and I was forever going to be alone.

 With myself


Like on a moonless summer night, disconnected is the color black

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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Can you

“Can you”

Can you hear it?

Like thee
The door

Can you feel it?

Like thee
Fine mist
The air

Can you touch it?

Like thee
In that
Delicate vase

Can you see it?

This broken heart
That you
Can no longer


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Friday, September 17, 2010

The heating gods

~ Winter of 2008~
There are moments in one’s life that you feel you just can’t win the game that we call life. To keep score means to be able to acknowledge when you lose and when you think you are on the winning side. When you think you’re on the losing side for it always seems to be dark and painful, yet even when it feels this way you still could be on the winning side of life, you just don’t know it yet.
It was this past Sunday when it started to feel like I was on the losing side of life. When darkness fell upon me and I felt the pain of pure frustration. Lost in wondering when I catch my break, when is it my turn to feel a sense of freedom and peace of mind?
When do all the wrongs start turning right?
I spent all day Sunday laying down ice salt and shoveling up pieces of slush and throwing it into a pile of 3 feet high snow banks, it’s a back breaking job and my small delicate fingers are red and frozen.  I don’t mind shoveling snow, it actually makes me feel good inside. I like the feeling of cold air rushing throw my veins and pumping what feels like fresh clean blood through me. It gives me a natural high of life to release what feels like dried up compressed oxygen that flows through me when I stay indoors because the weather outside is below zero and life is frozen still.
It took me about 6 hours to deice my walkway and remove what look like 4inches of thick hard ice. My fingers are sending those signals to my brain that it is time to defrost them once again and endure what will be about an hours worth of pain and suffering to finally be able to have a normal feeling again in them.
So I come into the house and I turn on thermostat to the heater and I make my way down to the cob-web infested area of my house that I so hate to venture into, the basement.
The basement is a scary place to venture into, for it hides many creatures of life that are not my friends. The basement has a small river that flows threw it day after day and it has its own high and low tides depending on the weather outdoors. When you venture into the basement you must bend over with your face facing the river that flows through it for there isn’t enough room to stand up straight. There is this major rock that the house was built around for during the time this house was built they didn’t have the tools to remove this rock that now has years of water damage traced upon its rough edges. The rock is easy about 7ft long and about 3ft high that is visual in my scary basement. So I can just imagine how far in depth this rock must go into the ground.
I had built platforms that are about a foot off the ground so you must walk on these platforms, it makes one feel like they are in the wizard of oz and you are skipping along the yellow brick road. Yet this road has a ceiling that holds those many creatures that you are now a foot closer to. Once a month I must go down into the basement with a broom and I must clear my yellow brick road of these webs that they have formed for me. Such pretty designs they create that I must destroy on them, heck it gives them something to do while I walk above them the remainder of the month.
Sometimes when I am brave and it is low tide in my scary basement I will walk off my yellow brick road and I will venture into the small river and I will go over to the sawdust nest that have been created by my rat friends that I detest and I will disturb their cozy homes that they have eaten through my walls to create. When I have taken their cozy homes and I have given them what must feel like a tornado coming through their quiet house and I will leave nothing in my path of destruction.  I am Mother Nature to them, when they see me coming they should just run but they are not smart little creatures for they are still living amongst me after years of me torturing them.
So I’m venturing down the stairs into my scary basement for I must turn on the heater, my fingers are in so much pain and I swear my nose feels like it is going to fall off, I need heat.
When I first moved into this house 3 years ago the heater, which is 18 years old, decided to fall apart the very first winter we moved in. so in order to get the heater to work I must venture down into the scary basement and beat the shit out of it for it to click on and produce what I love so very much, heat.
So I beat my heater and click it turned on
I feel like an abuser after I beat it and then I feel like I must express my gratitude and I softly whisper to my heater that in fact I do love him.
So as I walked along my yellow brick road I decided to take a different course and go to where my fuel sits in that big tank on the opposite side of the basement. I clear my path way of its webs and I look to see how much fuel is in that big rusty tank that I swear makes noises on me when I turn my back to it.
Shit I can’t see the red line for it is covered in webs, I must get off my yellow brick road and go over to it and clear my visual of its webs that have taken form upon its ugly soul of a tank.
Ankle deep in water I make my way over to the tank
I clear the path way at the top of the thermostat and I see no line at the full line and I clear more of it, nothing at the ¾ full part and I clear more and more until I reach the bottom of the tank that is at empty and there I see the red line that signals that I have nothing left in my ugly tank.
I make my way back upstairs and I sit on my couch and I throw layers and layers of blankets on my frozen little shivering body. For my frozen little fingers are still frozen and my now wet feet and ankles are very cold too.
Tom comes into the house and sits down at the computer and clicks to turn it on. Our ritual of never really saying anything much to each other, for after 11 years of being together in truth we are all talked out.
I pipe up to him and tell him that we need to call the heating people for we are on empty. I get the normal grunt out of him, His way of acknowledging that it did make it to his brain. I’m satisfied with this answer that I receive out of him and I continue back to my shivering and trying to get warmth back into my cold body.
Just as I reach the remote to click on the TV, I hear another click that is now shutting something off.
We are now out of heat
Tom turns and looks at me and I look at him
We start laughing shit what else is there to do in this very moment.
So now a bitter night turns into a very bitter morning of a now unheated shitty home. I look to see what the temp says in the house and it is a 41 degrees brrr
I go over to my stove and I turn up the heat on the stove to 450 degrees and I open its door and I feel a rush of heat upon me and I open up my blankets and I peel back my 4 sweaters and I expose my belly and I suck up heat that is burning my skin and yet I don’t care for it feels good at this very moment.
I hear the dogs howling up at storm in their bedroom and I push back the layers of sweaters and I cover myself up in blankets once again and I step away from the beautiful heat and within 2 ft away from the stove I get blasted with very cold air and I suck it up and I run upstairs to release my dogs from their room and they run down the stairs to their outside pen.
I on the hand run back to my stove
Hours go by
I’m still hovering over my stove
I can’t move
I don’t want to move
Cold is still within arms distant of my spot that I have created for myself. I have my cigs, my coffee, and my blankets; I’m in heaven for the moment. I can suck this up until the heating people come and give me what I want, a warm house again.
I make small promises, in my mind, to the heating gods that I will venture more downstairs into the scary basement and check the ugly tank more often if they please hurry up and make me the first person they see this day.
Tom comes into the kitchen and as he speaks words to me I can see his warm breath in the cold air, he tells me the heating people will be here between 8am and 10am.
I can deal with that
That is doable; I can handle another 2 to 4 hours of this
So I stand
2 hours go by nothing
3 hours
4 hours
5 hours
6 hours and I hear a knock on my door
I swear I could have kissed the heating people for I couldn’t at this moment be any happier but I was a frozen Popsicle and my mouth barely moved to form words.
He confirms me that he is here and in fact do I want a full tank
Well ya!!
We did tell them we ran out last night, I guess he didn’t get that message and he couldn’t tell by the ice that was forming on my nose that our house is dead cold.
I guess the four layers of sweaters and the three blankets I had around me was the new “in style” of today’s fashion and I just didn’t know it.
He leaves and I can hear the sweet sound of fuel being pumped into my ugly tank and I thank the heat gods for finally answering my prayers and I promise I will be nicer to the ugly tank more often.
He comes back and hands me the 500 dollar bill and I lead him to the scary basement where he now has to bleed the line to get the fuel in and the air out so my heater can click on.
I stay on top of the stairs and I wait, I don’t want to have to start out right away being nice to my ugly tank just yet.
I hear a click and nothing
Nothing again
And again nothing
This goes on for some time and I’m thinking what the fuck now?
Where is the fucking heat?
So I’m cursing the heating gods and I think to myself this feels like de-ja vu when I was cursing the power gods a few months back.
Their out to get me and they are winning and I’m losing
I see the heating guy come upstairs with this look on his face that I just wanted to slap off and force him back down there to get that heater started and just give me what I want, dammit.
He politely tells me that the line has been bled clean and there is fuel reaching the heater but the nozzle must be clogged with stuff from the bottom of the ugly tank when it ran out of fuel last night. We must hire someone to come and clean our heater and give us a new nozzle.
Fucking ugly tank
He leaves
I return to my stove and I stand
I place a call to tom and I tell him my sadden news that we now have a full tank of heat but can’t use it because our nozzle thingy is broken and we must hire another heating guy to fix it.
I get a grunt
And I pull the phone from my ear and I just want to yell into the phone at him and beg him to do more than just a grunt I want actual conversation this time.
Is he still on the line ugh?
Are you breathing? Are you dead? What the heck say something to me.
Does it take longer for my words to cross the lines to get into your brain for it to trigger words and put them into a sentence?
I love him but conversation isn’t our strong suit, so that is why we have been doing good for 11 years together, for we don’t exchange words unless forced to.
He tells me that he will call around for a heater guy and will tell me when he finds one, click.
1 hour goes by
And another
Then another and I’m still in the same spot over my stove that feels like it no longer is producing heat
Fucking heating gods they hate me
I hear a knock on my door
It is another heating guy come to save me from my frozen hell
He comes in my house and says “wow the wind here is real bad” for you open up my front door the wind tries to take it with it.
He laughs a bit
I’m not laughing
He closes the door behind him and says “we don’t want to let the heat out”
I look at him and I want to say “what heat? If we drop another 5 degrees my house will technically be frozen” but I don’t, for it is just a moment that you wish you could say something but would later regret it when you’re in a better state of mind, so I let it go.
I take him to the scary basement and I go back to my stove and I pray once again to the heating gods to please allow this man to fix it and just give me warmth please.
And I wait
And I wait
Then I wait some more
I hear no sounds of a click that turns on my heat as I hear his footsteps coming up my stairs.
He leaves my house without a word to me as he passes me through the kitchen and out my front door and I follow him in wonder what the fuck now. I watch him go to his big ass truck and he gets in his front driver’s seat and he sits.
I go back to the stove and this time I text tom, I have better chances of conversation this way and I tell him what is going on and I think it is best if he comes home, for I have a feeling that something isn’t right and I think he should be here.
He said he will be home in fifteen minutes
So I wait for the both of them
And I wait
Heating guy comes back into the house with this long drawn out list of things that is wrong with the heater and he wants to show me
What happened to the nozzle thingy?
I text tom as I go downstairs into the scary basement behind heating guy
I follow my yellow brick road and I get off and then go into the river and I cross the river and I come to the heater and the heater guy
One by one he shows me stuff in a language I haven’t yet to understand.
Is he speaking English?
I’m calling tom
Where the fuck are you?
I’m hearing combusting compartment blew up and my house is a fire hazard and I’m trying to break down words of a language that is so beyond me that he could be speaking german and I wouldn’t know it.
I hear a grunt
Where are you?
He is two minutes away
Hmm I thought before you said you were 15 minutes away and that was a half an hour ago
Fucking Liar
Fucking heating gods
I hang up the phone
I force a fake smile as he heard my cursing at tom and the heater guy probably is thinking thank god I’m not with her.
I hear the upstairs door open and close
Thank you
He is finally here
He comes down the stairs and I pass him as I go back up the stairs to my stove
They stay down there
And I wait
And I wait some more
I hear muffling of sounds being exchanged between the two of them
And I wait
They merge from the downstairs and the heater guy leaves after being paid 300 dollars and we now are 800 dollars in the hole and we still have no heat.
The heater is dead
It is 18years old and we saw it give its final breath on Sunday night.
It pretty much blew up its inside and melted everything
There is no recovery