The Promise

“The Promise”

   As only a mother knows what it is like to give of life, to feel that human inside of her from the moment of conception. I felt every inch of you, every movement you took. Not a moment of you was ever taken for granted. I anticipated so much for you, for us, a future of hope I dreamt while you laid sleeping safely inside of me. I cherished those months of watching you grow as my stomach stretched beyond anything I could ever have imagined. I laughed when I could use my stomach as a table and place my drink on top of you, until your kicks became more aggressive and would knock my drinks over. Still I laughed at such amusing things as this, all the while I just waited for you to come to me.

 Then the miracle happen, you came to me. All the pain of birth seemed to vanish the moment I saw your tiny beautiful face. Those perfect fingers, those small tiny feet of yours. I have never seen such beauty in my life until I saw you. I fell in love the second you were placed into my arms.

 Then time came and went and you grew into this young little girl with her own thoughts. I laughed at all those small little things that you would say and do. I videotaped all your dance lessons, your singing lessons; I taped all your dreams. We would sit for hours just watching you and laugh at all your funny little things you did on them. All your funny faces that I would claim that would someday make your face stay in those distorted looks if you kept them up, but you never listen to me and still made them.

 Then time moved on and I'm not sure what happened but you stopped laughing, you stopped making those funny faces. You no longer wanted those dance lessons and singing lessons. Your dreams changed but I didn't know it. When did you change? Why didn't you tell me that you changed? You stopped talking to me but I was still laughing at all that was and didn't see all that is. You changed the color of your hair but I saw it as you wanted to be different, not as someone who was hurting inside. Why didn't you tell me that you hurt? You changed the way you spoke to me, for you didn't talk to me, you talked at me. You pulled away but I thought you needed time away but instead you really needed me to pull you closer. Why didn't I see that? Why didn't I see you for all that was inside of you instead I was concerned of what was going on the outside of you? All the times you didn't come home at night, I figured you just needed time away from me and our fights. Instead I should have hunted you down and forced you to come home. Why didn't I do that? I was more concerned about you hating me then me being the mother that I should have been and had you hate me and know that you were home and safe. But I didn't do that, instead I let you go.

 When you did come home I could smell the alcohol on your breath and I should have asked you where you were, but I didn't for I was scared to ask for I didn't really want to know anymore. I was tired of all the fighting and yelling but I should have fought harder back, instead I gave up. I'm sorry that I gave up, I'm sorry that I didn't do all that I promised for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't the mother that you needed me to be. I'm sorry that I didn't fight for you, instead of fighting with you. I should have told you more that I loved you. This was a hard lesson to learn as I stand here at your grave site.

 I should have said so much while you were here when I had the chance. I should have held you when I heard you crying. I should have told you that you couldn't dress the way you did when you walked out my door. I should have fought you when you yelled at me. I should have done so much but now I can't for I took that away from you. I took away your chances of having kids, of getting married. I took away your chances of having your dreams come true. You will never dance again, or sing a tune that gave melody to this house. For all of this I am sorry, I am sorry that you will never be all that I promised. For I didn't do as I promised, that is be the mother that you needed me to be.

Written by

DMD

All Rights belong to this author

No Copy Righting

Disconnected

“Disconnected”

Disconnected is the color black like on a moonless night when you can’t see anything in front of you. Yet sounds are everywhere and you want to follow the noises, yet something stops you. You are prevented from moving ahead for your afraid of what lies ahead.

So you stay

Hands are reaching out, for you desperately want to feel your surroundings, yet your hands don’t move. Your arms are so heavy that you just can’t lift them and you question why.

So your mind speaks, yet your body doesn’t respond. You are disconnected from yourself. You are alone in your own body and you’re lost somewhere in there and no one can see or hear you.

I can hear the echoes of my voice bouncing off the walls of my inner self and it comes back to me and no one is in between to hear my cries of help.

Alone

For in that moment I realize I am alone and I am scared

Inside my mind I knew what I wanted to do, I wanted to find the sun and I wanted to feel its warmth once again. I wanted to run and feel a human again, to brand that feeling of human contact into my brain so I will never forget that feeling.

Yet I needed to find my way out of the darkness, I needed to make contact with my body and tell it to listen to my voice.

I was just a voice with no body

Soon I found the light and I merge into myself and I open my eyes and I was being stabbed to death with needles of pain all over and I silently cried and I fell back into the darkness and I left my body and became just a voice again.

I was alone again

Disconnected from myself and I was thankful not to feel what I just felt.

I stepped away from the light, like a child who hides into corners, pushing its self further away from a bad experience that doesn’t understand just what took place.

I went deeper into myself

Lost in the darkness

Soon my voice faded, for no one was ever going to hear me

For I didn’t want to be found

I didn’t want the light

I didn’t want to feel

Time passes and all I hear was my breathing, slowly I was giving up on myself. I was coming to accept that I was never going to be found and I was forever going to be alone.

 With myself

Disconnected

Like on a moonless summer night, disconnected is the color black

Written by

DMD

No copyrighting allowed

All rights belong to this author