Wednesday, November 24, 2010

~The Holidays~

The holidays, it’s the time of the year when you turn on the TV and you see Christmas stories of love and such sweetness. Yet in truth it is nothing like that in reality, it’s more on the lines of screaming, yelling, complaining, beer drinking and all sorts of bad language.

My story starts about a week before Christmas when I start my Christmas cleaning of tearing the house apart and trying to make it into what I think a house should look like, but never does. I become this mad woman on a hunt for perfection, a woman on a mission to complete what I never complete and I kill myself trying and I kill those around me in the process.

“Don’t walk on that floor because I just scrubbed it”

“Don’t sit on that couch because I just vacuumed it”

To live with me during this process is impossible, you are just better off not to come home for a week, because I will never notice your gone and it will just make my life a lot easier.

During my “madness” time of cleaning and bitching at those (mostly Tommy) not to touch a fucking thing or I will kill them, the pellet stove decided to take a day off. Not just any day off, but it had to be during the coldest day of high winds and freezing tempts. Of course I didn’t notice at the beginning that it was taking a day off because I am mad crazy cleaning. I’m running around doing this and that and hadn’t quite notice that the temperature in the house is dropping rather quickly.

By afternoon I can feel my fingers starting to hurt and I realize then the beginning of a very long problem. I go to the pellet stove and nothing, no fire, no smoke, no life to it at all.


I start it up and puff, it goes out.


It becomes a game between me and the pellet stove for hours as I watch the temperatures drop and I can’t figure out why it won’t stay lit. tom is nowhere to be found(figures) and I’m becoming quite irritated  with the fact that this has stopped my cleaning and I am getting nothing done and I’m becoming rather cold and frosty myself.

The house is in the 60’s and well I give up on the pellet stove and I just throw on more clothes and I go back to cleaning.

By evening time the house is now in the 50’s and my toes are now hurting and my fingers are in a lot of pain from being so cold for too long of a time and tom has yet come home (grrrr)

When did he start listening to me?

I give up on cleaning and I throw on blankets around me for extra warmth and now I want pepper to lie on top of me, he refuses. (Of course, it’s because I want him to but all other times he has no problem in suffocating me with his weight, damn dog.)

It’s midnight and tom finally gets home and it’s in the 40’s and I’m pissed but too cold to move or talk because I’m frozen on the couch, a popsicle once again, a family tradition I can see forming every winter of watching me freeze and defrost.

Fucking family sucks!

Tom enters the house and asks “why is it so cold in here?” I would have given him my dirty look but my face is frozen in this look that I had 5 hours ago before the stages of frost took over.

Tom tears apart the stove, pulls out every bolt and screws, and cleans it from top to bottom (while cursing at me on how dirty it is grrr) all the while he is showing me what it is I am suppose to do to the stove on how to clean this and that, demonstrating with his hands and the scraper on how to go about doing it.

He is walking the line of a dead man.

He puts it all back together, looking all pretty and new and he lights it.


I swear, I would have laughed at him but I’m frozen and my mind is plotting on how to kill him for telling me on how to clean.

All the while the temperature is still dropping in the house.

He is now getting pissed because he wanted to blame my lack of cleaning it properly as to the problem as why it is not working.

Ha Ha Ha idiot!

After looking at it for about an hour he decided to go outside and see if there was a problem with the outside hose.

And holy cow wouldn’t you know it, there lies the problem, the hose is clogged shut with dirt and grime and whatever else all that gross stuff was. So he cleaned it all the while, mind you, blaming me for not keeping an eye on this problem. (So I go back to plotting his death)

He puts it all back together and the fire starts roaring and heat comes from the stove. (He is saved from death for he fixed the problem)

We go to bed happy little people (if he only knew)

A few hours go by and pepper is jumping on me for it is 5am he wants to start his day.

Fuck me!

The house is still very cold, it is only in the 50’s and I grab my morning coffee and pepper and I go over to the three fish tanks that we own. (Our morning ritual)
 The fish tanks are housed in the living room right next to the pellet stove, for I own all cichlids. Three Oscars (which are 15 to 19 inches length) and I own 7 fire mouths, (which are 6 inches in length) and these are all very warm blooded fish that live in 84 temps water, they cannot handle cold water for it will kill them.

So pepper jumps up on his seat and I go and turn on all the tanks and I see one of my Oscars dead!

What the fuck!

I see all my fish acting crazy, fish on drugs it looked like, as they were swimming madly and jumping. It is not a pretty sight seeing a big fish going mad crazy, water splashing and spraying everywhere.

A fire mouth just died in front of me

My heart is just aching because I really love my fish, they are beautiful to me and I get such enjoyment out of them, So to watch them die in front of me and I haven’t a clue as to why is just killing me inside.

So I stuck my hand in the water to remove the dead fishes and the water is cold, not just cold but very cold. So I look on the temp and it reads nothing, so that means it is below 70. So the water could be anything from on the 60’s on under.

Their heaters are dead in the tank, so that must mean that it has been the pellet stove that has been keeping the water warm (I have no idea how long) and when the stove didn’t work and the house dropped in temperature, so didn’t their water drop as well.

They (the fish) are now under a lot of stress which opens them up to every parasite and they are freezing as well, so they are dying due to this and they are dying fast.

So I started removing all decorations from their tank to open it up and I broke down the other two fish tanks (one tank is for their food and the other is a hospital tank) and I put in the heaters into the main tank that housed them to start warming up the water quickly.

Another fire mouth just died

I have to start killing off the parasites before they do anymore damage to my fish (do not try this unless you know what you are doing and know where your fish naturally come from, otherwise you will burn your fish to death or possibly just kill them right away) I turn my freshwater tank into a salt water tank, the instant change of water type will kill off the parasites instantly and it will destroy the eggs as well in time once they hatch and are looking for a host.

Your fish will burn for it will burn the outer scales but they will live through it, if you do it right. (If they are strong enough to handle it, meaning the parasites haven’t done too much damage)

Another Oscar died during the process

So I’m down to my oldest Oscar (my favorite one) and I’m down to 5 fire mouths.

You cannot leave the tank a salt water tank for too long, for they are not salt water fish, but cichlids do naturally come from rivers and lakes that house some sort of salt so they can handle it for sometime without long term damage.

I let them soak in the saltwater for one hour and I slowly start the process (which takes days) to remove it and return it to freshwater.

Another fire mouth died

I start the removal of the water process and I start adding the slimy gooey stuff to repair the damage that will soon start to appear if they live through it.

I turn off their light (for darkness is soothing to them) and I walk away feeling depressed and sad, and I can feel my tears right to my surface but I fight them back.

A few days go by

Another fire mouth died, so I’m down to my favorite Oscar and 3 fire mouths left, they are barely hanging on and they have burns on them and they look like Dalmatians, what a sad moment this is for me. I’m still removing water and replacing it with slimy gooey stuff for repairing damage and their lights are still on off mode to keep them still and motionless. So I am at the point where they survived the harsh saltwater, so I can now start adding medication to prevent bacteria problems.

Christmas has arrived! Who the fuck cares for I’m so not in the Christmas mood.

Pepper jumps on top of me, it’s 5am, it’s time to get up and be cheerful, fuck! Pepper runs over to his seat near the fish tanks and I go get my coffee to start a fucking Christmas day.

Pepper is waiting for me, but I don’t return to him for I’m stuck in the kitchen stuffing a stupid ass turkey and I’m basting it as I sing Christmas sucks and I throw it in the stupid oven.

I return to pepper and I turn on my fish tank and I look at my Dalmatians for fish and I remove more water and I put in slimy gooey stuff and I put in medications and I look at my favorite Oscar and I beg him to just hang on to life and I shut the tank light off.

The house is a mess I realized and I have people coming over

Fuck me, for I forgot to finish my house cleaning and prepare for this day of pure hell.

I start racing around like the mad crazy woman that I am and I start cleaning this and that, vacuum this and that, polish this and that.

Pepper get out of my way!

Pepper no!

Pepper stop it!

Race the other 7 dogs outside, feed the 7 dogs, and give the 7 dogs their Christmas bone (anything to make them happy) get them back to their room and into bed.

Shower time for me, get dressed, put on make-up and I start blow drying my hair and here comes tom into the bathroom (just getting up)

Where are the dogs? Where is buttons? (His favorite dog)

I can feel my death plot against him start racing through my mind again, for his list of complaints and demands starts up. I am exhausted for I have been going crazy all morning and he slept through the whole thing (amazingly) and now he awakes and I have done everything and he now wants to bring the dogs into the downstairs of the house after I just finished everything and making it look good for the guest.

Is he mad crazy?

I feel my blood pressure rising and I start in on him and he backs away from me and settles into his chair in front of the computer and he is safe for the moment from me, for he is out of my hair.

Christmas sucks!

People suck!

I go back into the kitchen, I’m baking bread, cookies, I’m cooking up a storm for what feels like a million people and I’m lost in hell of Christmas cooking. I’m not to be found until hours later.

Tom’s family arrives.

Within seconds I hear pepper screaming and I jump out of my baking high and I run to my dog.

What the fuck!

Tom’s crazy aunt has hurt him already, I look at tom with this fucking pissed off look and he knows I’m fucking pissed!

He is supposed to be watching pepper (it’s his only job to do) and pepper is already hurt.

I grab my dog and I go back to the kitchen

Tom sucks!

Tom’s mother follows me into the kitchen, she is drunk already and she starts in on me.

“I’m staying out there with my son (as she points to the living room) for I didn’t get to talk to my son over thanksgiving” (yes she did, she just doesn’t remember it because she was drunk then too)

She said it so loudly it felt like an earthquake, for she is a loud drunk and she has a nasty mouth when she is drunk.
“Okay, go” I replied as I turn up the radio to drown her and the others out and I try to sing fucking Christmas music that is playing on the radio.

Christmas blows!

My son shows up and hides in the kitchen with me and where talking and I can feel my blood pressure go down a bit and I can feel maybe a glimmer of hope of the Christmas spirit enter me. So I leave the kitchen and I go to the dining area which is connected to the living area and the fish tanks lights are on, grr, I shut them off and tom’s crazy aunt starts in on me about the fish.

I ignore her, for I don’t want to talk about it and I clear the table of its linings and I try to set the stupid ass table.

Tom’s mother is shouting at me for another beer

I go back to the kitchen to get it, I come out with the beer and the fish tank light is back on grrrr I shut it off and I go and give her another beer.

The plot of death is back on but somehow I have added people to it, this brings a smile to me. I leave her and the others and I return to the kitchen, where I am stirring, mashing, dashing this and that with this and that.

My daughter is now texting me, telling me how much I suck!

Merry fucking Christmas too you to!

I leave the kitchen and I start to bring things to the table and the fucking fish tank lights are back on, what the fuck! Are they trying to kill my four Dalmatians of fish?

“I’m so sorry” I say to my Oscar and I shut the light off once again

Dinner time

Me, tom, my son, crazy lady and drunken lady all sit.

Fuck!!!! I forgot to cook their favorite vegetables!

They complained! Of course!

I couldn’t eat fast enough to get away from the table, to get away from them, to escape back into the kitchen where I could hear my wine calling out my name saying “drink me, drink me, it will all go away”

I escape

I down a glass within seconds

I can feel tingles going through out my whole body, mmmm it feels good

They found me


They all come into the kitchen and I pour myself another glass and I leave, back out into the dining area and what the fuck, the fish light is back on again.

Those mother fuckers!

I went straight back into the kitchen area to say something but I was dead stopped into my tracks for I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

Drunken lady had my son and tom cleaning the ceiling fans and lights, for she said they were dirty and she can’t stand being in a dirty house.

Merry fucking Christmas to me!!!!!

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(Holiday 2009)


  1. I remember this from last year (or was it the year before?) and it's still as funny in a tragic way. Family....can't live with them, can't kill them.

  2. heheheheh steven it was last years ..... fun, fun, fun