Saturday, April 23, 2011

~ I still would have ~

“I still would have”

I would have
Loved you

If you
Just given
A chance

Was I
Too much
For you?

Was I
For you?

Did my
Hurt you?

Was my
Beneath you?

Was my
Just not
For you?

Was my
A reminder
To you?

Knowing this

I still
Would have
Loved you

Was I
Not in
The right
For you?

I cried
For you

I dreamt
Of you


I would
Loved you

Even after
If All of this
Is true

I would
Loved you


I wasn’t
Good enough
For you

Even if
This is

I would
Loved you

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Sunday, April 3, 2011

~Love You Said~

“Love You Said”

Love you said

Is the very air
I breathe

Why does it feel
Like I’m suffocating?

Love you said

It’s the very beat
In my heart

Do I hear its

Why is it
I’m deafen with silence?

Love you said

It is all
The colors of the rainbow

Then why is it
I only see in black and white?

Love you said

Is those bubbles
In my champagne

Why is it
I crave only for fine wine?

Love you said

Is me

For I always
Stand outside the lines

Love I said

Is me

And I smiled

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Saturday, March 12, 2011

~ Kiss ~


Eye to eye
We stand

His breath
I breathe

Will he
I hope

My fingers
Finds his


I blush
He knows

His caress
I’m weak


Is he
I hope

His lips
Graces mine


For more
I let go

Pull him

His lips
Join mine

Like a
Hot summer

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Saturday, March 5, 2011



Just one more push I hear the voices say
I can’t, it wasn’t supposed to happen this way
Blood on my hands, blood on my thighs
In this terrifying moment all I can is question why
I felt him moving around inside
Anticipated dreams I was giving life
Then my dreams took on a different fate
Can you hear me it wasn’t supposed to happen this way
Grieving pain eclipsed my womb
Anticipated dreams now consumed with doom
Blood on my hands, blood on my thighs
Push again I hear through my screams and cries
I open my eyes to the sounds of chaos
I hear these words “the heartbeat we lost”
Stabbing pains rips through my womb
I can feel him no longer our fate now sealed with doom
I reach out my hand to have a look in their eyes
I say these words “All I wanted was to hear my newborn cry”

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Saturday, February 19, 2011

Oh Father Dear

“Oh Father Dear”

Oh father dear, can you hear me, are you holding my son close?
I’m on my knees praying that it is he you love the most
In this moment of my tears, are you singing him my lullaby?
Oh father dear, did you tell him, that there are no final goodbyes?
Do you rock him in your arms at night so he knows he’s not alone?
Do you tell him stories of me from so many years ago?
Oh father dear, can you hear me, for I’m praying so you know
That in my heart, I have love for him, and I need you to tell him so
I will suffer these tears of pain just knowing he’s at peace with you
Oh father dear, up in heaven, beyond the skies of blue
Lays my son, just a baby, what is a mother to do
Every day I cry these tears and just hoping he is with you
Do the angels sing to him at night when he cries out for me?
Do they hum his special lullaby and kiss him so tenderly?
Oh father dear, can you hear me, I miss my son so
Empty arms, just praying, that you are holding my son close
In your arms do you cradle him, will you protect him for me
Do you give him the love that only a mother can give, for he is so small and sweet?
For he is just a child, so innocent, with eyes colored blue
Oh father dear, can you hear me, is my baby with you

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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Promise

“The Promise”

   As only a mother knows what it is like to give of life, to feel that human inside of her from the moment of conception. I felt every inch of you, every movement you took. Not a moment of you was ever taken for granted. I anticipated so much for you, for us, a future of hope I dreamt while you laid sleeping safely inside of me. I cherished those months of watching you grow as my stomach stretched beyond anything I could ever have imagined. I laughed when I could use my stomach as a table and place my drink on top of you, until your kicks became more aggressive and would knock my drinks over. Still I laughed at such amusing things as this, all the while I just waited for you to come to me.

 Then the miracle happen, you came to me. All the pain of birth seemed to vanish the moment I saw your tiny beautiful face. Those perfect fingers, those small tiny feet of yours. I have never seen such beauty in my life until I saw you. I fell in love the second you were placed into my arms.

 Then time came and went and you grew into this young little girl with her own thoughts. I laughed at all those small little things that you would say and do. I videotaped all your dance lessons, your singing lessons; I taped all your dreams. We would sit for hours just watching you and laugh at all your funny little things you did on them. All your funny faces that I would claim that would someday make your face stay in those distorted looks if you kept them up, but you never listen to me and still made them.

 Then time moved on and I'm not sure what happened but you stopped laughing, you stopped making those funny faces. You no longer wanted those dance lessons and singing lessons. Your dreams changed but I didn't know it. When did you change? Why didn't you tell me that you changed? You stopped talking to me but I was still laughing at all that was and didn't see all that is. You changed the color of your hair but I saw it as you wanted to be different, not as someone who was hurting inside. Why didn't you tell me that you hurt? You changed the way you spoke to me, for you didn't talk to me, you talked at me. You pulled away but I thought you needed time away but instead you really needed me to pull you closer. Why didn't I see that? Why didn't I see you for all that was inside of you instead I was concerned of what was going on the outside of you? All the times you didn't come home at night, I figured you just needed time away from me and our fights. Instead I should have hunted you down and forced you to come home. Why didn't I do that? I was more concerned about you hating me then me being the mother that I should have been and had you hate me and know that you were home and safe. But I didn't do that, instead I let you go.

 When you did come home I could smell the alcohol on your breath and I should have asked you where you were, but I didn't for I was scared to ask for I didn't really want to know anymore. I was tired of all the fighting and yelling but I should have fought harder back, instead I gave up. I'm sorry that I gave up, I'm sorry that I didn't do all that I promised for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't the mother that you needed me to be. I'm sorry that I didn't fight for you, instead of fighting with you. I should have told you more that I loved you. This was a hard lesson to learn as I stand here at your grave site.
 I should have said so much while you were here when I had the chance. I should have held you when I heard you crying. I should have told you that you couldn't dress the way you did when you walked out my door. I should have fought you when you yelled at me. I should have done so much but now I can't for I took that away from you. I took away your chances of having kids, of getting married. I took away your chances of having your dreams come true. You will never dance again, or sing a tune that gave melody to this house. For all of this I am sorry, I am sorry that you will never be all that I promised. For I didn't do as I promised, that is be the mother that you needed me to be.

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Monday, February 14, 2011

Wiltering Petals

“Wiltering petals”

So there I found the rose
Holding onto its last breath
It was wiltering away
The rose looked so lifeless

So I started removing the discolored petals
One by one
What a lovely surprise I found
As I removed each one

The rose was so much softer
Its color was even brighter
For beneath the wiltering petals
Was something even lovelier

I admired its warmth of beauty
I engulfed its sweet perfume
I had to smile to myself
Realizing its beauty wasn’t where I assumed

So I put the rose back down
To admire it once again
Knowing the rose won me over
From its beauty within

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Friday, January 21, 2011

~Just a Memory~

“Just a memory”

You were so in love, you laugh and sang
The perfect couple they said as the church bells rang
Through smiling faces and rice being thrown
Off to your honeymoon somewhere in Rome
You made love all night; you’re in love sweet bliss
You spoken tender words and sealed your love with a kiss
You talked of a child to bloom your sweet love
Dreamt of white picket fences and snow white turtle doves
As the honeymoon comes to an end and I settle into your womb
A heartbeat I am, I’m your dream come true
As time moves on, your love for him turns into hate
Bickering and fighting as you tell him your friend has been late
I’m snuggling inside, a soft warm home
We are now one, you are no longer alone
He walks out your door; he doesn’t want to be a part of this
Wedding bells are over as he slams the door in a fit
Alone he left her; she is now crying and sad
Alone and pregnant there is no longer a dad
A mom to be she doesn’t know what to do
A moment in time she wanted me, now she hasn’t a clue
An appointment she made to talk about me
She wipes her tears away as she finds out I’m a he
She wraps her arms around her womb, to cover the sound of her voice
She says I’m so sorry, but I’m left with no choice
I give her a kick; I try to reach her heart
That was my last memory before I was ripped a part

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Saturday, January 8, 2011

~Just One More ~

“Just one more”

Just one more cut to know I’m alive
Just one more pill to cover the scars
Just one more drink so I can survive

She stands in her bedroom doorway
Her hands covered in blood
Just one more cut so I can feel alive

Her small frail son
Sits in the old chair
Rocks back and forth
Quivering in fear

Just one more pill she yells to her son
To cover my unattractiveness
Of years gone by

He looks up, his eyes filled with tears
He screams out
Why? Why? Why?

Just one more drink she yells
As she is barely able to hold on
I just know I can survive

I go and I sit next to him
Not sure how to comfort his pain
I look into the direction he’s looking
I try to remain unruffled and serene

Just one more cut to feel I’m alive
Just one more pill to hide my scars
Just one more drink I know I will survive

I take his small hand Place it into mine
Somehow he pulls himself together
Stands with apprehension
Still trembling in fear

She watches him
As he walks past her
His eyes
Drenched in pain

She yells at him
Just one more cut so I can feel alive
Just one more pill to cover these scars
Just one more drink I know I will survive

In the whisk of the moment she sees his pain
She moves closer to her son as she follows his eyes
There in this moment
Is what caught her by surprise

There she lies in her bed
Drenched in her own blood
Pills scattered amongst the wet stain sheets
On the floor next to her bed
Is her last fallen drink

Just one more cut
She says in a whisper
For I’m no longer alive
Just one more pill
For I can no longer hide
Just one more drink
As I close my eyes

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Saturday, January 1, 2011

My Theory on Women

Females, there is nothing like us in this world. We are a complicated being, we are filled with many emotions and such a thought process that men have failed time and time again to understand what and how our minds work.
Yet this isn’t about men and trying to get them to understand our nature, this is about women getting along with other women.
I’ve in my years have had some of the most beautiful relationships with women (get your minds out of the gutter men, not that kind of relationship) yet also I’ve had some of those relationships turn on me, yet only one of those relationships still to this day I hold dear in my heart, I will forever love her and cherish her even though we live miles apart.
Why do women turn on each other?
Why do women back stab?
Why do women not love and respect each other?
These are complicated questions yet I do believe in my heart that I understand and know the answers to these questions,
For example I see it every day in my pack of huskies; I have two female huskies and 5 male huskies. Both females are independent and can hold their own when it comes to the males; they both bring something different to the pack. Yet only one female can be head female of the male huskies. They will fight, they will bicker, and they will tag each other until one of them gives up and leaves the other female to attend to the male huskies.
It’s Mother Nature
It’s no different here in the human world with us females
We will hate on each other, we will back stab each other and we will do what it takes to get what we need to do to get the job done.
When in our growing years, our hormonal years of entering our womanhood, our hormonal levels control us in many ways even if our own minds don’t understand this our body does. We are getting ready to reproduce, even if our little bodies are too small and slender to give birth our internal bodies are still ready and is pounding away inside ourselves telling us to look for the mate to mate with and it turns on these signals to start looking.
So we get crushes
If there is a male that we find ourselves having this crush with and there is another female who has this same crush, the fight begins, the cycle of life and all it involves start to takes it course.
It is no different than the example I gave above in the mother nature world, when two females come together for mating reasons, only one female can be the leader and the other will walk away licking her wounds.
The back stabbing starts, the head female in the being world will do what it takes and tear down the other female to make herself more attractive to the male. She will point out the weakness in her rival female than the male will find her less attractive and go towards the stronger female.
We as young girls don’t understand this for all we see it as is bulling, yet in truth it is getting ready for mating and calling out the males we want to mate with. Removing all possible threats that stand in the way of that mating, even if we are too young for mating it is part of the natural process of mating.
We are programmed at early childhood that we are only allowed to mate with one at a time so we must protect our mate that we have our eyes on, so the fight starts and we will fight the female who refuses to remove herself from the mate we choose and want to mate with.
So blood and tears are shed and only one will walk out of that fight the leader, the stronger female
We call this in the being world girl fights, we fight for a boy that we love or think we love yet our parents tell us that we are too young to love that we can’t possibly know what love is and it is just a crush that soon will pass, but we love him and we will do what it takes for him to love us.
Mother Nature is cruel
So we grow and grow and we have many rivals with other females and we distance ourselves into certain groups that are like us or we just shut down emotionally from other females from years of being bullied and abused from each other.
We reach adulthood
We miss trust each other for during our process into womanhood we did what Mother Nature programmed us to do, we fought each other and now we are left with scars.
We tread carefully around each other, for the mistrust runs deep and whether or not how much we have grown into our womanhood and how much emotionally we are secure with ourselves determines on how much we can give to our own sex.
Some females never out grow that mating pattern and they will continue the same abuse of fighting women, they are insecure with themselves, they will do whatever it takes to make themselves feel worthy inside when in truth they are weak
Those are what we call in the adult female world the back stabbers, they never grew up and formed a thick skin of what happen in childhood growth and grew into themselves, and they will forever feel the threat of another female and will hurt that female for inside she is a child that still cries over old wounds.
Than we have the secure females that yes she has her scars from mating yet she doesn’t let those scars burden her and she will seek out another female who also is secure and has her scars as well and they will form a relationship unlike any other. A friendship that bonds with love and pureness that is untouchable. No distance or miles can stop that kind of friendship and love.
In truth this is the stronger female, the better female and she will love another female and give to her and nurture her for that is what us females do, we love, and we nurture, unlike the males creatures, we can bond in ways that is beautiful and giving.
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Sunday, December 19, 2010

~My Brother ~

“My brother”
Can you hear me, does my voice travel to your side
I just want you to know, that today, I did fall down and cry
I heard their words, so kind, so giving, yet I was left with no voice
I know inside I don’t understand, for I have to accept your choice
Can you hear me, my brother; today I felt your presences
You were right by my side; could you hear all my questions?
I fell to my knees as I lift the remaining of this dirt
When will all this pain fade, when will I no longer hurt?
I can still hear your voice; it lingers deep in me my brother
Today is the making of a new day as I watch all the others
Tears strolling down wet cheeks, they are all in pain for you
You never saw your meaning, you never felt the truth
Can you hear me my brother, as I toss the remaining of the dirt
I will never forget you, for I will forever remain in this hurt
Today is the day that I will always show them your truth
For today is the day my brother, the day that I buried you

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Thursday, December 9, 2010

~If You should by chance ~

“If you should by chance”

If you should by chance
Trace me in your

Color me in thee

If you should by chance
Hear my voice
In the wind

Color it in thee
Pale tan

If you should by chance
Get wet by thee
Winds that carry rain

Color me in thee
Of traced lines

If you should by chance
Wonder where
I am

Open up
Your pale tan palms
My wet beating
With you

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