Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Promise

“The Promise”

   As only a mother knows what it is like to give of life, to feel that human inside of her from the moment of conception. I felt every inch of you, every movement you took. Not a moment of you was ever taken for granted. I anticipated so much for you, for us, a future of hope I dreamt while you laid sleeping safely inside of me. I cherished those months of watching you grow as my stomach stretched beyond anything I could ever have imagined. I laughed when I could use my stomach as a table and place my drink on top of you, until your kicks became more aggressive and would knock my drinks over. Still I laughed at such amusing things as this, all the while I just waited for you to come to me.

 Then the miracle happen, you came to me. All the pain of birth seemed to vanish the moment I saw your tiny beautiful face. Those perfect fingers, those small tiny feet of yours. I have never seen such beauty in my life until I saw you. I fell in love the second you were placed into my arms.

 Then time came and went and you grew into this young little girl with her own thoughts. I laughed at all those small little things that you would say and do. I videotaped all your dance lessons, your singing lessons; I taped all your dreams. We would sit for hours just watching you and laugh at all your funny little things you did on them. All your funny faces that I would claim that would someday make your face stay in those distorted looks if you kept them up, but you never listen to me and still made them.

 Then time moved on and I'm not sure what happened but you stopped laughing, you stopped making those funny faces. You no longer wanted those dance lessons and singing lessons. Your dreams changed but I didn't know it. When did you change? Why didn't you tell me that you changed? You stopped talking to me but I was still laughing at all that was and didn't see all that is. You changed the color of your hair but I saw it as you wanted to be different, not as someone who was hurting inside. Why didn't you tell me that you hurt? You changed the way you spoke to me, for you didn't talk to me, you talked at me. You pulled away but I thought you needed time away but instead you really needed me to pull you closer. Why didn't I see that? Why didn't I see you for all that was inside of you instead I was concerned of what was going on the outside of you? All the times you didn't come home at night, I figured you just needed time away from me and our fights. Instead I should have hunted you down and forced you to come home. Why didn't I do that? I was more concerned about you hating me then me being the mother that I should have been and had you hate me and know that you were home and safe. But I didn't do that, instead I let you go.

 When you did come home I could smell the alcohol on your breath and I should have asked you where you were, but I didn't for I was scared to ask for I didn't really want to know anymore. I was tired of all the fighting and yelling but I should have fought harder back, instead I gave up. I'm sorry that I gave up, I'm sorry that I didn't do all that I promised for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't the mother that you needed me to be. I'm sorry that I didn't fight for you, instead of fighting with you. I should have told you more that I loved you. This was a hard lesson to learn as I stand here at your grave site.
 I should have said so much while you were here when I had the chance. I should have held you when I heard you crying. I should have told you that you couldn't dress the way you did when you walked out my door. I should have fought you when you yelled at me. I should have done so much but now I can't for I took that away from you. I took away your chances of having kids, of getting married. I took away your chances of having your dreams come true. You will never dance again, or sing a tune that gave melody to this house. For all of this I am sorry, I am sorry that you will never be all that I promised. For I didn't do as I promised, that is be the mother that you needed me to be.

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  1. OMG Dawn, I'm crying, just crying. My kids hate me and won't speak to me because I would not let them do what their father let them do. Now they are a mess, I don't know if we will ever come back together.

    I fear this scenario every minute of the day, although I fought and they rejected me, I still love them from over here.

    Much love and peace <3

    Sharon FB

  2. Sharon,

    My heart goes to you for the pain that you expressed to me and i do understand what it is you are going through. I do believe all mother's understand what it is to have our children not like us, hate us, or even distance themselves from us for one reason or another. That does not mean we are bad mother's, bad people and that also means we have to stop beating ourselves up when it doesn't turn out the way we hoped and prayed....

    There is no book on raising our children, there is only lessons and those lessons only come in time !!!!

    Love is always painful, that is how we know the difference from what is right and wrong. And someday your children will see your love for them, for they will grow and see for themselves what is right and what is wrong ....