Saturday, February 19, 2011

Oh Father Dear

“Oh Father Dear”

Oh father dear, can you hear me, are you holding my son close?
I’m on my knees praying that it is he you love the most
In this moment of my tears, are you singing him my lullaby?
Oh father dear, did you tell him, that there are no final goodbyes?
Do you rock him in your arms at night so he knows he’s not alone?
Do you tell him stories of me from so many years ago?
Oh father dear, can you hear me, for I’m praying so you know
That in my heart, I have love for him, and I need you to tell him so
I will suffer these tears of pain just knowing he’s at peace with you
Oh father dear, up in heaven, beyond the skies of blue
Lays my son, just a baby, what is a mother to do
Every day I cry these tears and just hoping he is with you
Do the angels sing to him at night when he cries out for me?
Do they hum his special lullaby and kiss him so tenderly?
Oh father dear, can you hear me, I miss my son so
Empty arms, just praying, that you are holding my son close
In your arms do you cradle him, will you protect him for me
Do you give him the love that only a mother can give, for he is so small and sweet?
For he is just a child, so innocent, with eyes colored blue
Oh father dear, can you hear me, is my baby with you

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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Promise

“The Promise”

   As only a mother knows what it is like to give of life, to feel that human inside of her from the moment of conception. I felt every inch of you, every movement you took. Not a moment of you was ever taken for granted. I anticipated so much for you, for us, a future of hope I dreamt while you laid sleeping safely inside of me. I cherished those months of watching you grow as my stomach stretched beyond anything I could ever have imagined. I laughed when I could use my stomach as a table and place my drink on top of you, until your kicks became more aggressive and would knock my drinks over. Still I laughed at such amusing things as this, all the while I just waited for you to come to me.

 Then the miracle happen, you came to me. All the pain of birth seemed to vanish the moment I saw your tiny beautiful face. Those perfect fingers, those small tiny feet of yours. I have never seen such beauty in my life until I saw you. I fell in love the second you were placed into my arms.

 Then time came and went and you grew into this young little girl with her own thoughts. I laughed at all those small little things that you would say and do. I videotaped all your dance lessons, your singing lessons; I taped all your dreams. We would sit for hours just watching you and laugh at all your funny little things you did on them. All your funny faces that I would claim that would someday make your face stay in those distorted looks if you kept them up, but you never listen to me and still made them.

 Then time moved on and I'm not sure what happened but you stopped laughing, you stopped making those funny faces. You no longer wanted those dance lessons and singing lessons. Your dreams changed but I didn't know it. When did you change? Why didn't you tell me that you changed? You stopped talking to me but I was still laughing at all that was and didn't see all that is. You changed the color of your hair but I saw it as you wanted to be different, not as someone who was hurting inside. Why didn't you tell me that you hurt? You changed the way you spoke to me, for you didn't talk to me, you talked at me. You pulled away but I thought you needed time away but instead you really needed me to pull you closer. Why didn't I see that? Why didn't I see you for all that was inside of you instead I was concerned of what was going on the outside of you? All the times you didn't come home at night, I figured you just needed time away from me and our fights. Instead I should have hunted you down and forced you to come home. Why didn't I do that? I was more concerned about you hating me then me being the mother that I should have been and had you hate me and know that you were home and safe. But I didn't do that, instead I let you go.

 When you did come home I could smell the alcohol on your breath and I should have asked you where you were, but I didn't for I was scared to ask for I didn't really want to know anymore. I was tired of all the fighting and yelling but I should have fought harder back, instead I gave up. I'm sorry that I gave up, I'm sorry that I didn't do all that I promised for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't the mother that you needed me to be. I'm sorry that I didn't fight for you, instead of fighting with you. I should have told you more that I loved you. This was a hard lesson to learn as I stand here at your grave site.
 I should have said so much while you were here when I had the chance. I should have held you when I heard you crying. I should have told you that you couldn't dress the way you did when you walked out my door. I should have fought you when you yelled at me. I should have done so much but now I can't for I took that away from you. I took away your chances of having kids, of getting married. I took away your chances of having your dreams come true. You will never dance again, or sing a tune that gave melody to this house. For all of this I am sorry, I am sorry that you will never be all that I promised. For I didn't do as I promised, that is be the mother that you needed me to be.

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Monday, February 14, 2011

Wiltering Petals

“Wiltering petals”

So there I found the rose
Holding onto its last breath
It was wiltering away
The rose looked so lifeless

So I started removing the discolored petals
One by one
What a lovely surprise I found
As I removed each one

The rose was so much softer
Its color was even brighter
For beneath the wiltering petals
Was something even lovelier

I admired its warmth of beauty
I engulfed its sweet perfume
I had to smile to myself
Realizing its beauty wasn’t where I assumed

So I put the rose back down
To admire it once again
Knowing the rose won me over
From its beauty within

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